‘Should I stay in my relationship?’ Four things to consider if you’re a Perfectionist

Making decisions about your relationship, whether it’s to stay or leave, to take it to the ‘next’ level, to commit or to communicate our doubts is TOUGH. We can get caught in a whirlwind of pro-cons, conflicting expectations and fear.

This hits particularly hard when it comes to doubts such as ‘should I stay or leave?’ ‘are we right for each other?' and ‘am I happy in my relationship?’, because our relationships carry so much emotional weight and so much external (and internal) expectations.

So, you’re a Perfectionist with relationship doubts?

Right now you might be feeling some of these things..

You’re caught up in what you ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t do. Whether that’s a result of your own high self expectations, or the expectations you perceive others to have of you.
You’re not sure what the ‘right’ decision is, and you fear that if you can decide, you’ll come to regret it or you’ll be judged by other people.
You’re carrying around doubt internally whilst trying to keep up the external representation that all is fine, we are fine, they are fine and everything is excellent - and that. is. exhausting.

If we let our Perfectionism and fear influence our decisions making it can slowly corrode our sense of self identity. We make decisions that aren’t aligned to who we are, or we avoid making a decision altogether and before we know it, we’re exhausted, we’ve lost all sight of ourselves and we feel guilt and shame about it.

It doesn’t have to be, or feel, this way.

How to make relationship decisions as a Perfectionist

1. Connect with the ‘should’.

‘Should’ is the absolute catchphrase of the Perfectionist.

’I should stay in this relationship because I’ve made a commitment.’ ‘I should stay with my partner because I don’t know how they’d cope without me.’ ‘I should feel happy, so I should stay'.’

Shoulda woulda coulda. What do you WANT? Take some time to pay attention to when you are using the word should. What are you referring to? Why is it a should? How does it feel if you change it to a want? You might find that the shoulds are wants, or that they are shoulds that you want to honour. But the point is that you are taking control over owning that decision in your relationship.

2. Harness your gut.

Ask yourself ‘What do I want next for my relationship?’ as soon as you wake up and listen to your gut. First thing in the morning there’s been less time to be influenced by the expectations of others, or time to impose impossible expectations on ourselves. Thinking about the options you have as soon as you wake up will give you a sense of what you actually want. Connect with that feeling and explore what it means for your next step.

3. Ask yourself THE question.

‘What are you willing to suffer for?’ A nugget of genius from Mark Manson’s book ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k’. When I asked myself this question, I knew what I needed to do about my relationship. My logical self did not like the answer, but I knew with a sense of such intense clarity, I had to listen to my gut reaction to that question.

You can write a pro-con list, methodically comb through what is and isn’t the ‘right’ thing to do. But that doesn’t tell you what you actually value and what you’re feeling.

Are you willing to suffer the pain of trying and fighting for what you have? Or are you willing to suffer the pain and grief of leaving?

4. Chat to a coach or therapist.

I didn’t even know I was a Perfectionist until I sought professional help. So if you’re reading this, you are one step ahead of where I was! I’m a firm believer that when it comes to making decisions about your relationship, YOU are the only one with the answers. Nobody can tell you what to do.

BUT, we can be so caught up in the ‘should’ and the fear and the confusion that we can’t get clarity that we have the answers, let alone how to act on them. As Perfectionists, we can put massive expectations on ourselves to fix the thing, decide the thing, do the thing right.

Don’t suffer by not letting someone else help you through this difficult time.

Speaking to a coach or therapist can help you make sense of what’s in your head, and heart and what to do next. Free from your own and others expectations.

But what about my ACTUAL commitments and expectations?

I talk a lot about freeing ourselves from the our own, and others expectations, but there will be times where we have expectations or commitments that we need to stick to.

The point is not to only think of you and what you want, with no regard for others. The point is to get close to who you are and what you want, so you can act consciously in your life. You can choose what you are willing to sacrifice and compromise on, and what is important for you to commit too. You can take control over what’s happening in your life, rather than being shrouded by disguised fear and expectation.