Willpower Self Help has F*cked People with ADHD
In 2013 I read the book ‘Willpower: Why Self Control is the Secret to Success”
As a Psych Grad I was really interested in what research can tell us about the human condition, ESPECIALLY what it can tell us about self improvement (shout out to my self help nerds/ recovering perfectionists!)
But in all honesty, it kinda f*cked me up.
Not this book alone but how this book, and the general culture of self help feed into the narrative that people are ‘better’ if they can control themselves.
It set up the expectation that self control was something I just needed to learn how to do, and that if it didn’t come easily - I was a failure 😖
This is uniquely damaging to those of us diagnosed with ADHD later in life. In fact, I think it’s at the core of ADHD shame and (sounds extreme but I’m gonna say it) sometimes self-hatred.
Let me explain why…
Delayed Gratification Makes You Successful (apparently)
This book was the first time I’d heard about the marshmallow test. It’s an experiment used to measure the ability of a child to delay gratification.
Children are given the choice of having a small reward (like a marshmallow) immediately, or waiting for a short period of time to receive two of the small reward.
The study concluded that children who are able to delay gratification (i.e. use willpower to choose long term gain over short term reward) have better life outcomes, such as academic achievements, healthier relationships, better habits and reduced substance abuse.
I remember reading this at the age of 21 thinking “I’m f*cked” because I’m not even a child and I’m not sure I could wait for that extra marshmallow.
Internalising Shame About Willpower
I internalised the message that willpower = success, BIG TIME. It’s easy to internalise something that is constantly reinforced by the world around us.
Heck! Even bloomin’ ancient philosophers like Plato and Aristotle spoke of self-control as a virtue. Those who were disciplined were highly respected in society. If that doesn’t show you how pervasive this belief is, I don’t know what will!
Self control became the standard for which I strived to live my life.
If I could just be better at willpower, I’ll be *insert way you need to fix yourself here* - happier, healthier, more productive, more successful.
But that’s just the surface level of the message we’ve internalised, because really what’s at the root of it is this…
In order for me to be a worthy person…
I must learn to control myself
I must be able to choose delayed gratification over immediate reward
I must do what is right for the future instead of what is right for now
I must stifle and reduce the parts of me that feel in anyway not in ‘control’
And if I can’t do that, there’s something fundamentally wrong with me and it’s my fault.
I say this next bit WITH EVERY FIBRE OF MY BEING…
If you’re a person with ADHD who holds this belief, and is trying to manage yourself by ‘just being better at willpower’, it will be doing you far more harm than good.
Here’s why…
The Truth About ADHD
ADHD is not a disorder of hyperactivity or a deficit of attention. The language we use to talk about is not in line with current research and understanding.
At it’s core ADHD is a disorder of self regulation, according to Dr. Russell A. Barkley - a Clinical Psychologist and Researcher in the field of ADHD.
People with ADHD struggle with executive functioning - the cognitive processes that help us regulate our attention, thoughts, emotions and behaviours. Hyperactivity, impulsivity and inattention are symptoms and consequences of this underlying difference in how our executive function works.
Ohhhh!
When you understand this, you begin to see where the narrative of willpower becomes especially problematic for ADHDers.
Before I was diagnosed, I was working my ARSE off trying to figure out what was wrong with my willpower.
Why couldn't I just do what I wanted to do, when I wanted (or worse, NEEDED) to do it?
Why can I exercise willpower in one moment, and then in another moment it’s evaporated into thin air?
I hear every single one of my coaching clients asking these questions too.
If you read nothing else, READ THIS…
If you have ADHD, the absolute truth is that it will be harder for you to use willpower than other people. Self regulation is harder for us. That’s the whole jist of ADHD.
Therefore the answer to managing yourself is NEVER to just.. be better at willpower. That’s like telling someone that struggles to spell, that they just need to be better at spelling.
And the fact you find it hard.. is NOT your fault.
I’m not saying this to absolve you of responsibility for working on parts of yourself that make life a struggle for you, and sometimes the people you care about.
The purpose of me sharing this, is to hit the point home that struggling with self regulation, self control, willpower, and self management DOES NOT MAKE YOU A LESS WORTHY HUMAN BEING.
These 2 things can coexist at once. You can be a good person, and also need to work hard to manage the ways in which your brain makes things difficult for you.
So What Now?
When I speak to people who are newly diagnosed looking for answers and support, they are often grasping for strategies, tools and methods to manage their brain.
I get it. That’s an absolutely valid need and there’s definitely things worth learning to integrate into your life. But more often than not, that desire is being fuelled by ADHD shame. It’s the hope that there’s a ‘fix’ yet undiscovered, that will make you more ‘not ADHD’.
There’s no strategy that will fix your life, if the underlying belief you hold is that you are somehow a less worthy human being because of your ADHD struggles.
Where to start:
Release yourself from past self help advice. I ceremoniously donated all the self help books that made me feel inadequate or reminded me of a time where I was trying to fix myself. If it makes you feel bad, throw it away.
Learn how Motivation works in the ADHD brain and base your life around it. Here’s the resources I’ve found most useful:
Focus on understanding your beliefs about yourself, challenging your perfectionism and healing from shame, ideally with support from someone who gets it. I can help you with that.
Rach x
p.s. I wrote the first draft of this article on a Saturday solo hike ‘cause it got me all inspired (did voice to text on my phone notes app). Who isn’t inspired looking at this view!?
p.p.s. If you want more rambling from me like this one, sign up to my Substack and get them sent to your inbox whenever I post them