I'm not going to give you a "Am I a Perfectionist?" quiz. Here's a better way…
A quick Google of ‘Am I a Perfectionist?’ and you’ll find a whole array of quick quizzes to ‘diagnose’ you. Multiple choice questions that give no flexibility to context and the complexity of people, and 90's magazine style scoring systems that tell you what percentage of a Perfectionist you are. It plays into our need to recognise what is ‘wrong’ with us against a list of characteristics and move straight into ‘how do I fix it, and fix it quickly?’ Sneakily appealing to the Perfectionist mentality, which of course, defeats the object of what we are trying to do.
I guarantee you, that approach will not give you the insight you need to understand your Perfectionism, in a way that enables you to conquer it successfully. That requires deeper introspection and action... so that's why I'm here.
A ‘Aha!’ moment
I had my ‘Aha!’ moment whilst reading a ‘10 signs you’re a perfectionist’ article on the train home from work last year. It wasn’t a score or a ‘diagnosis’ that I related to - it was a list of experiences that I read and thought ‘this is me!' For me it was ALL of them, which made it really stick, but for you, it could just be a few that you relate to.
And that's really where it all starts. It isn’t about jumping straight to a ‘fix’ or saying ‘tomorrow I will stop being a Perfectionist’.
It’s about three things:
1) Becoming aware of what Perfectionism is and recognising it in yourself
2) Discovering exactly how it operates in your life and uncovering how it’s holding you back (in ways you didn’t even realise!)
3) Taking action to conquer it
So to start with step 1, I’ve listed a few common experiences of Perfectionists below. Read them, reflect on them, see how they feel to you and what you relate to...
Common perfectionist experiences:
1) People pleasing
“I’ve got so much on my plate right now but I promised my mum and my colleague and my friend and my neighbours cousins dog that I would help them with XYZ”
Don't get me wrong, being a people pleaser isn’t a terrible thing. People pleasers are often emotionally intelligent and considerate people that have fulfilling personal and professional relationships. But it’s driven by a fear of failing to meet the expectations that you think others have of you, or failing to meet the view you hold of yourself as a considerate and reliable person. In this way, people pleasing is damaging when it causes you to to lose sight of what’s actually important to you, or leads to stress from the pressure of trying to make everyone else happy. It also relates to...
2) Fear of what certain people think
“I don’t care what other people think of me” Masking a hidden dialogue of “What if they think badly of me!?”
It’s a human biological and evolutionary trait to care what other people think. Some of us just care more than others or are unaware of how this fear is impacting us. I say ‘certain’ people deliberately. We don’t always care what everyone thinks. There are some people’s opinions you might not give two hoots about. But those important people in your life, the one’s that opinions you care about or approval you seek - you worry about what they think of the decisions you make and the things you do. Often this is just a projection of your worries about yourself.
3) Highly critical against unrealistic expectations of yourself
“I’ve set a goal for myself and even though I need to adapt it because I’m struggling under the pressure, I refuse to admit defeat because I should be able to do it all”
Perfectionists can often be found in highly successful circumstances, and this isn’t due to the mistaken view that they want everything to be ‘perfect’. Perfectionists tend to have high expectations of themselves (and sometimes others) and this can manifest in a resilient, self-determination that lends itself well to success. The problem is when the inner critic starts giving you a really hard time, and your fear of failing to meet those demanding expectations, leads to stress and burnout.
4) All or nothing mindset
“Either I go to the gym 4 times a week, or I don’t go at all”
Perfectionists tend to go all in on something when they are committed. Sometimes that’s because it’s something they love or feel inspired by. Sometimes it’s because the high expectations they've set for themselves, mean they won’t accept anything less than all in. The difficulty is that it’s often unsustainable and so you cycle between all or nothing. Plus, doing nothing means you don’t open yourself up to failure, right?
5) Procrastination
“I’ll do it later, when I have more information.”
“I have too much on so it won’t get done yet.”
“I need to leave it until last minute to feel the pressure”
This is a BIGGIE and one I could dedicate a novel too. So here's a flavour for now. Whichever way procrastination shows up for you (it’s can be different for every Perfectionist and different depending on the area of your life), chances are it’s a really sneaky cover for your inner perfectionism.
Procrastination is an avoidance mechanism. If you finish that ‘thing’, you open yourself up to failure, so it’s easier to be tricked into thinking that it just isn’t quite good enough yet or it needs more time.
Do the experiences above resonate with you? Remind you of someone you know? I'll be writing much more about how you can understand these parts of yourself better and start to conquer your Perfectionism, so Subscribe below to get it straight to your inbox!
