3 people that will make you feel differently about failure
There’s nothing quite like reading or watching something that gives you that ‘Aha!’ moment. That ‘omg I thought it was just me!?’ or that ‘I hadn’t thought about it like that before!’ Reading, watching, listening and engaging with the experience of others, is one of the most powerful tools to get us to think differently about our expectations of ourselves, and about failure. We can get so caught up in our own worries, we forget to notice that there are 7.7 billion other people experiencing life (and billions of others that have gone before them) - someone, somewhere, relates to you, and has a story to share.
So here are three people that have impacted my life for the better, and that will make you think differently about your experience of failure.
Mark Manson - The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k
“Everything worthwhile in life is won through surmounting the associated negative experience. Any attempt to escape the negative, to avoid it or quash it or silence it, only backfires. The avoidance of suffering is a form of suffering. The avoidance of struggle is a struggle. The denial of failure is a failure. Hiding what is shameful is itself a form of shame.”
There are SO many nuggets of genius in this book - you must go and read it yourself. This quote in particular, captures an important point about failure. Our fear and avoidance of failure is completely driven by an avoidance of negative experience, but this only then leads to failure and negative feeling, (I touch on this in my blog post about why we don’t fail but we feel failure).
Mark shows us, that by understanding and choosing what we give a fuck about, and what is worth our time and energy, we build a resilience behind the choices we make - even if those choices risk failure. I’ve made some of my biggest life decisions by asking Manson’s question of ‘What am I willing to suffer for?’ which re-frames the risk of failure as both necessary and surmountable to accomplish the things that really matter to us. It’s an empowering framing of how embracing failure and the suffering it can bring, ultimately leads us to a happier, more balanced and more successful life.
Brene Brown - I thought it was just me (but it isn’t!) Making the journey from ‘what will people think?’ to ‘I am enough’
“Shame is the voice of perfectionism. Whether we’re talking about appearance, work, motherhood, health or family, it’s not the quest for perfection that is so painful; it’s failing to meet the unattainable expectations that lead to the painful wash of shame.”
Brene Brown - shame researcher, public speaker, voice of reason on all things shame, perfectionism, expectations and vulnerability (and an absolute inspiration!) This quote captures how I'm defining and discussing failure in these blog posts. Not as failing to do something or achieve something, but how we experience shame and negativity from our perception of failing to meet the expectations we hold of ourselves. Brene’s book is well grounded in research and so a great one to make you think about yourself, and find relatable stories within her findings. This is a good place to start, but there’s LOTS more of her material worth exploring too, such as her TED Talk about Vulnerability and her Netflix show ‘Call to Courage’.
Tim Urban ‘Inside the mind of a master procrastinator’ TED Talk.
“...long-term procrastination has made them feel like a spectator, at times, in their own lives. The frustration is not that they couldn't achieve their dreams; it's that they weren't even able to start chasing them.”
A comical and relatable TED Talk, Tim Urban takes us through his own experience of procrastinating as a student. It’s a common story to us all and he jovially talks about the internal battle we have between that instant gratification monkey that tells us to do it later, and the rational decision maker who knows you should do it now. But Urban has a serious message, touched upon in the quote above. For things that don’t have an immediate deadline or external pressure. For the things that require us to make big changes in our lives, to drive ourselves forward, to risk feelings of failure and inadequacy, we can get lost in procrastinating away years and years without realising, until we’re left full of regret for what ‘could have been’. This links to what Mark Manson talks about in how avoiding failure, leads to failure. Procrastination is such an easy and short term solution to the discomfort of risking failure, but the long term effect of not acting at all, ultimately results in failing altogether.
Does this resonate with you? How has reading, listening or connecting with others, helped you to re-frame your thoughts and feelings about failure. Comment below!
