How To Get Clear About Your Relationship Expectations
Google ‘what to expect in a relationship’ and you’ll be met with the usual dizzying array of advice blogs with scaremongering headlines such as…
‘What you SHOULD expect in a relationship’
‘How your relationship expectations are hurting you’
‘Are you relationship expectations unrealistic?’
Like any quest to find out more about what you should do, these can provide a helpful reference point for deciding your own expectations (though I take issue with the word ‘should’… but more on that later).
HOWEVER, my guess is, they aren’t helping you understand what’s right for you and feel confident in owning and communicating those expectations in your relationship.
That’s because a lot of this advice is focused on telling you what you should do, without consideration for your own unique experiences, strengths and priorities. It’s hard to feel confident about something that you don’t really, at your core, believe is important to you.
So in todays blog I’m focusing on helping you get clear on what your relationship expectations are, and then next week we’ll get stuck into how to get more confident about what you expect.
What we’ll cover:
It’s okay to be confused.
How expectations change over time, how understanding them takes time, and how no-one is an expert on you apart from you.
How to find clarity on what you expect in a relationship
Before we get stuck into the ‘how’, let’s clear a few things up…
It’s okay to be confused
We are bombarded with a conflicting mix of messages about relationships. In the movies we see fairy tale, sweep you off your feet romances or the volatile, passionate love affairs that somehow work out. We might know logically they’re not realistic relationships, but these representations take up a little home in our brain and we compare them to our own experiences.
“Struggling with what to expect is not a ‘you’ problem.”
But then we’re also told that nobody’s perfect, and relationships are hard and you can’t expect someone to make you happy.
And then a weird thing happens. In the eyes of society, you switch from being the person in their early twenties who shouldn’t settle down yet and who shouldn’t compromise on who they are for love. To the person in their late twenties who shouldn’t be so picky because time is of the essence. Does your brain hurt yet?
Struggling with what to expect from a relationship, whether one you are newly in, one you have been in for years, or one you haven’t found yet, is not a ‘you’ problem.
It’s a product of trying to make sense of who you are and what you want, in a world that has confused and conflicting expectations of you.
Expectations change over time
You are not a fixed ‘you’ for eternity, and neither is your relationship. You will individually and collectively learn, grow, evolve, experience and change, and this can change what you expect from a relationship.
I talked about this with Sex & Relationship Coach Jerry Souter in my podcast ‘Is it normal to expect this much?’ and she made a great point.
‘Expectations will be different on the first date, compared to what they are three years down the line. So things like, what do you need to feel safe? To feel happy? To feel secure? What kind of communication do you need? When would you like to meet their friends, family?’
With this in mind, it’s important to check back in with yourself (and your partner) on how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking re: expectations.
You are the expert on you
If there’s only one thing you take away from this article, make it this.
From my experience working with people 1:1 on their doubt, fear and insecurities in relationships, a lot of this doubt comes from all the messages we receive about what you ‘should’ be doing, thinking, feeling, expecting.
Talking to friends and family can be supportive and eye-opening. I recently had an in-depth chat with three of my close friends, who kindly let me record it for the podcast. We talked about relationship dealbreakers, and relationship standards, and it was interesting to see the similarities and difference between our expectations.
You can learn a lot about yourself in conversation with others, but if you end up leaving conversations feeling insecure about whether you’re wanting the ‘right’ things and feeling like you should be more like others, then it’s probably time for you to connect with what you really want (and why it’s sooo okay to want it!)
Because you are the best person to decide what to expect from a relationship. That doesn’t mean you can’t get support from others, but you are in the driving seat.
So how can you get clear on what your relationship expectations are?
Be curious
How we lose our curiosity
Rather than give you a huge list of things you can ‘do’. I want to focus more on a way of being - being curious, and how that can help you understand what you expect in a relationship.
Curiosity is ‘a strong desire to know or learn something’. We have a natural tendency towards being curious. Ever spent time with a child who’s just learned how to use the word ‘why?’. I struggle to find an adult who doesn’t get frustrated by kids constantly questioning. But maybe that says more about how adulthood has squished the curiosity out of us, more than anything else?
We lose our curiosity in the search for being right. Passing tests, meeting criteria, finding the correct answers. And we apply this approach to our own self-discovery and understanding what we want, and in doing so self-discovery loses it’s joy, and we lose a whole world of possibilities to better understand and enjoy, ourselves and our relationships.
How curiosity benefits of us
Curiosity is intrinsically motivated. When we follow our natural curiosity, or create an environment where we can be curious, we do it because we want to. This is much more motivating than trying to force ourselves to be interested, or find a solution.
When we are curious, we view our struggles more creatively. This allows to react less defensively to stress and create more possibilities in solving our problems.
Curiosity enhances learning. This is important when you are trying to make sense of what you want in a relationship, and how you can get more confident about what you expect because all of that is a learning process.
If curiosity is a way of being, how can you create opportunity for yourself to be more curious, and adopt a curious mindset…
How to create a curious mindset
Seek to understand, not explain
Try something new
Don’t force an answer, step away and refresh yourself
Ask questions
Be present
Find fellow curious folks
Slow down
Do something just because you feel like it
Do something just because you enjoy it
Remember there is no one ‘right’ answer or ‘right’ way to do things
Using curiosity to get clear on your relationship expectations
I’ve created a workbook which gives you ideas to try a more curious and playful mindset, as you reflect on some important questions about what you expect in a relationship….
Expectations Clarity Workbook
Reflection questions, and ways you can approach answering them using curious and playful methods.
I help late diagnosed ADHD folk make career and life decisions they trust. ICF Certified Coach, Youtuber & Writer.