Is it Normal That These are My Relationship Standards?

Hello and welcome back! This is a rare-two part blog, because I had such a good chat with my previous guests that we ended up talking for quite a long time, and covered a few topics! My last blog talked all about relationship dealbreakers, what kind of dealbreaker is normal, and how we develop our own personal dealbreakers through past experience.

That’s where I ended, as we started moving onto our next topic – relationship standards! To kick it off, I asked Hannah, Ellie and Cat a particularly provocative question about a standard everyone has in their relationships, but not everyone thinks is a dealbreaker, and that’s cheating. So without further ado, let’s dive back in!

What we’ll cover:

1. Is cheating a dealbreaker?

2. Is it normal to have relationship standards?

3. Money standards in relationships

4. How values influence our standards

5. How it’s normal for them to change over time.

Prefer to listen? Head to the podcast here.

How do you Feel About Cheating?

This was my big bombshell of a question. What are the normal relationship standards around cheating, and are they the same for everyone? (Spoiler alert – they aren’t!). First, I wanted to get a range of opinions from my guests about their standards around cheating, and they came up with some interesting responses:

Hannah: ‘I think in the relationship I’m in, it’s 100% a dealbreaker, an absolute no. And we had that conversation very early on. But my views on it have always changed and developed. Because it depends on the type of your relationship – are you casual dating or have you been married for 40 years? And is it kissing someone when drunk, or emotional cheating?’

Eillie: ‘I think that’s a really good point. Because it does depend. For me, I think emotional cheating would destroy me. So if my boyfriend got incredibly drunk in Vegas and some incredibly beautiful women invited him to her hotel room, if he stumbled in and hardly remembers it, we would need to talk about it, but we might be able to work that out. But if I went through his emails and texts and saw that he was confiding in another woman about what he was struggling with, how we was feeling and really leaning on her emotionally, when I was right there? That would crush me, and it would be the end of the relationship. If he no longer saw me as the person he could be honest with and confide in. Absolute dealbreaker.’

Cat: ‘I’m the same, it’s a dealbreaker for me, but it does depend on the relationship. I’m quite similar to Ellie, in that the physical side is so much less of the problem. It’s not nice, but the emotional piece is what feels like so much more of the betrayal, and that’s the trust and safety in that relationship ends.’

And me? Well, I kind of have two views, and if you’ve read the blogs or listened to the podcasts before you know exactly why. I used to think it was a complete dealbreaker – especially after watching my parents get divorced over an affair. I thought this couldn’t ever be a thing. But let’s face it, I had an emotional affair myself, and I see the other side of it. I understand that things can be very complicated, and contextual as well. So if I felt like my relationship was going well and we communicate really well, and then find out they’re sleeping with someone else? That’s my ‘what the fuck?’ moment. But if things aren’t really working, it can really change the context of things. So for me, cheating is more of a grey area – something I would want to go to therapy and talk through before I decided if it was a dealbreaker for me.

Is it Really ‘Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?’

That phrase ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ gets thrown around so much in relationships – but how much of it is really true? Can a person really only cheat once, and then never again? Or will they always have that weakness and cheat time and time again? Personally, I think it depends.

In my case, there were underlying issues in the relationship I was in, and starting to fall for someone else made me realise that, and start questioning what I wanted out of a relationship. I realised there was something deeper there, and the relationship wasn’t a good fit anymore. So if my partner were to cheat now, I would want to explore the reasons behind it before I decided if it was a dealbreaker, or something I could work through with them.

But as Hannah pointed out, that isn’t always the case:

‘There is an aspect of me that thinks some people might have an affair while in a relationship once, but go their whole life without doing it again. Like we said, there are a lot of reasons people cheat. But I also think that there are some people that no matter what relationship they’re in or who they’re with, they’re always going to cheat. It’s less about the person or the relationship, and more about who they are and what issues they have.’

But I admit I can have a biased opinion on the topic, so I asked if any of the girls wanted to share stories from their past. And I found Eillie’s story, and her reasoning, particularly interesting:

‘I remember when I found out one of my boyfriend's cheated, my immediate reaction was, well, what makes you think that I wouldn't mind getting incredibly drunk and getting a random man? You've come to me saying that you were really drunk, weren’t thinking and was just being silly. And my thoughts were that if you’d come and spoke  to me and said ‘Look, this Friday night me and the boys are going to a party, and we just want to go wild. Would it be terrible if maybe I went wild, safely, and used protection, with a woman?’ I would have said great! I’ll be doing the same with my girls on Friday night. And on Saturday we could debrief, share notes and maybe we could even evolve our sex life from there – but then it would be us doing it together. But instead he went off behind my back and said, you can stay home and miss me while I go off and have wild fun, and you can accept that. And it was that juxtaposition of what he was allowed and what I was expected to do that made me go under and call it off."‘

Are Standards Normal?

Ok, now that we aired all the dirty laundry and talked about our views on cheating, I want to talk a bit about standards within relationships. This is the level of quality, or the type of qualities you would want from your partner. If you were actively looking for a new partner, what would you seek out? And more importantly, what would fall below those standards and stop you from going out with that person? It’s a difficult question, isn’t it? Because sometimes you don’t know what your standards are until you’re standing in front of someone who falls short! But I asked Eillie, Cat and Hannah anyway, to see how similar they really were!

Eillie: ‘I think because I’ve always come from a family of hard-workers, so a good work ethic is important to me. I want someone who is fighting to find the thing that makes them fulfilled. I can’t stand the idea of being with someone who hates their job, only does it because they get paid and can’t wait until 5pm. So yeah, I need a partner who cares for their work.’

Cat: ‘I’m quite similar to Eillie on that one, passion and wanting to contribute something with your work is important. But also a big standard for me is respect. Respect for me, and respect for others. I’ve been in relationships in the past with people who didn’t respect me or others, and it’s just not a nice situation to be in. So respect is a big thing.’

Hannah: ‘I differ on the work front, because I just don’t have that relationship with work, so it’s not a standard for me. As long as they have some form of income, it’s fine. But my standards are more around work-life balance. I think I would struggle to be happy with someone who worked 12-hour days all the time. I also need them to have a similar sense of humour to me, so that we can have all of those inside jokes that make you feel connected and secure in the relationship.’

For me, I always find it hard to figure out what my standards are without feeling like I’m asking too much. But one thing I have learned is that they would have to match me on a playful level, at least some of the time. But I wouldn’t have known that was a standard if I hadn’t experienced being with someone who didn’t match me on that level. Especially during lockdown, where people have been cooped up with their partners for so long, I think that sense of fun has helped stop things feeling a little stale. 

Does Money Matter?

One of the other topics that came up quite a lot in our conversation was money. Not necessarily as a standard, but how it impacts a relationship and how we view it. Hannah mentioned dating a man who earned significantly more than she did – he didn’t use the NHS at all, and couldn’t understand why everyone didn’t have private healthcare. It was that experience that made her realise that dating someone who earned much more than her was a gap she couldn’t bridge.

Eillie had a similar experience, when her date couldn’t figure out why she hadn’t bought her way out of a problem, and had worked to get out of it instead – there was no second date there! I think that money gaps aren’t necessarily an insurmountable difference – it’s usually the attitude that goes along with it that causes problems – as shown by our two examples here. If you’re on the same page, then the difference isn’t so great, but if you have different attitudes towards that money gap, then it’s much more likely to cause problems.

Is it all About Values?

Something I realised throughout the conversation with Hannah, Eillie and Cat is that values are a fundamental part of your relationship standards, and your dealbreakers. Through the process of dating and building relationships, you’re looking for a partner who has similar values to yourself.

Even if you don’t agree on everything, it’s the seeking to understand one another and the communication that determine whether someone meets your standards or not. Openness to understand the other person and their values is key in any relationship. And part of that means understanding your own values too! When was the last time you asked yourself what’s made you happiest in life, and what the themes behind those moments have been? And what you want in a partner, out of life, and out of work to make you happy? It’s an incredibly important process to go through, and you can do that by yourself, or in discussions with friends, family or partners.

And remember, it’s OK to have fluctuating lines! Just like with dealbreakers, your standards don’t have to be the same your whole life. You will grow and change as a person, so it’s only natural that your standards and expectations are going to change with you. So don’t feel bad if your standards are different now to what they were 10 years ago – that’s totally normal! And if you’re not sure of yourself – that’s where having a close group of friends comes in. Talking to people who know you well can help you put things in perspective, and remind you of what your dealbreakers were, and talk about how they change. Talking to your partner can also be very valuable, with open communication comes understanding, and that’s the foundation of any strong relationship. 

If you’ve enjoyed this blog, you can listen to the full conversation on my podcast here, or read the show notes on the same page. And if you have any questions, please feel free to get in touch!