How to Cope With Uncertainty: Treat Yourself Like a Child

If there’s one certainty in this life, it’s that nothing is certain.

I swear it’s one of natures biggest fuck yous. Because whilst uncertainty might be inevitable, we are hard wired to find it difficult to cope with.

Annoying right?

It’s only getting harder. The ever growing complexity of living in a connected world and the stresses that come with it, lead us to double down on our desire to be in control.

And nowhere has our collective humanity had to confront our discomfort with uncertainty than the COVID-19 pandemic.

Sound a little doomsday? FEAR NOT for I have a solution.

And one that I hope will help you think differently about what you really need in the face of uncertain times.

It’s time to be a kid again!

What we’ll cover:

• Why do we desire certainty? The Human and The Chimp

• What your chimp and inner child really need

• Four ways you can comfort yourself like a child in times of uncertainty

“Comforting yourself like a child helps give the primal parts of your brain what you need to feel safe. It’s this feeling of safety that creates resilience in the face of uncertainty.”

— Me, I said that.

Why Do We Desire Certainty?

Our desire to be certain lies deep in our psychology and the two domains of our thought systems. Psychologist Daniel Kahneman covers this in detail in his book Thinking, Fast and Slow.

System 1: A fast moving, quick, automatic system that is not usually in our conscious awareness.

System 2: A slower system that requires effort and intentional thought and calculation.

Professor Steven Peters’ adds to this understanding of our brains in a much more entertaining and relatable way in his book the Chimp Paradox where he describes system 1 as your Chimp and system 2 as your Human.

The Chimp (System 1) is part of the limbic Brain area and is an emotional being that behaves independently of our human selves.

The Human (System 2) is part of your frontal lobe and represents you. It’s often left confused and frustrated with the emotional and reactive behaviour of the Chimp.

Why is this important for understanding our shared struggle with uncertainty?

“The Chimp perceives uncertainty as a threat to it’s security and safety and reacts accordingly”

Because our Chimp is dominated by our primal drives. Drives such as ego, food, power, sex, dominance, territory and security. Our chimp does not deal with nuances or ambiguity. It cannot comprehend complexity as our Human does or think critically about what uncertainty means.

The Chimp perceives uncertainty as a threat to it’s security and safety and reacts accordingly - emotionally, and with a fight, flight or freeze response. But because this Chimp lives within a system of our brain that isn’t always available to our conscious awareness, we don’t recognise that it’s this primal need for security that plays a large role in our discomfort with things being uncertain, and not being in control.

Understanding the role of the Chimp and the Human is essential for learning to cope with uncertainty. We need to make sure the Chimp is okay, so the Human can be okay too.

What Your Chimp (And Child) Really Need

So what’s this go to do with acting like a child?

Children, are essentially Chimps. Their Human has not yet developed to the extent that it has in an adult. They can only intellectualise and rationalise their emotions and experiences to a very limited degree.

If you’ve ever spent time with a four year old, you’ll soon realise this. Children act on primal needs - they cry when they are hungry, they throw a temper tantrum when they don’t get their own way and they seek comfort when they feel scared.

This is an important lesson for us to learn. In the process of becoming an adult and developing our Human, we forget that we have a Chimp altogether and falsely believe that we have ‘grown out’ of these silly, childish, irrational reactions and urges.

For example, our Human knows that eating that third slice of chocolate cake won’t make you feel good. But to all of you out there (I see you 👀) who’ve felt the consequences of squeezing in just one more slice, you’ll appreciate that what we KNOW to be true and good for us, doesn’t easily translate into our behaviour.

“Our Human knows that uncertainty is inevitable but whilst we’re trying to rationalise this in our brains, our Chimp is running around in the background trying to grasp onto any remaining shred of security and causing a sense of anxiety and unease in our Human.”

Children are more connected to what it is they really need to feel safe when they are feelings scared and insecure. They don’t try to think themselves out of fear and uncertainty, they act instinctively (and without fear of judgement).

So we have a lot to learn from children and the comfort they seek in times of distress.

Let’s be children again…

Four child-like ways to comfort yourself in times of uncertainty

1. Build a den

   Not only is den building a comfort, it’s also really fun and if you disagree I’m surprised you’ve made it this far through this article 🤣

   I rekindled my childhood love of den building during lockdown. Living and working in the same place 24/7 gets boring and I wanted to shake things up and have a little fun in the process.

   But it also served another purpose, a way to create a comforting, controllable environment of my own. It didn’t matter what was happening out there in the world, for a few hours I had a small space to feel like a carefree kid and sit, read, write and enjoy.

   It sure as heck isn’t an Instagram perfect aesthetic, but that’s not the point (arguably, that’s the problem!). I’m not suggesting you build the next architectural wonder. Just play around with it and enjoy.

2. Wrap yourself in a blanket like a cosey sausage roll

When I was working from home during lockdown I found myself getting into a curious habit. If I had a call at 3pm that I was nervous about, I’d find it almost impossible not to crawl back into bed and hide there until 3pm rolled around. Quite often, the more I was putting myself out of my comfort zone, the harder I found it to leave my duvet.

I got frustrated with myself for being so lazy. It wasn’t until talking it through with my Coach that I realised it’s function. My Chimp was reacting to this ‘threat’ (feeling out of my comfort zone and not in control) and trying to keep me safe by luring me into the comfort of my bed.

When you aren’t aware of this unconscious drive, it’s easy to berate yourself for being lazy or succumb completely and stay in bed. When you are aware you can do something about it.

“Nurture your inner child then parent yourself, but let yourself do both.”

The trick here is to nurture that child within that needs to feel safe, and then also parent yourself to do the things that will make you feel better in the long run. It can be as simple as this…

1. Notice yourself feeling anxious about the future

2. Wrap yourself up in a cosey duvet and watch your favourite TV show for 30 mins

3. Then take a small action e.g. go for a walk, eat a healthy meal, meditate

I doodled about this in 2021 (click the sides of the picture to move through the story)….

3. Spend time with an animal

Animals help us to deal with uncertainty in two ways. Firstly, animals (particularly dogs) are playful, present and curious at their core. Have you ever watched a dog on a walk following it’s nose? It doesn’t care what’s happening around the corner or what’s happened before. It’s completely consumed by the here-and-now.

Secondly, they have a calming influence on our nervous system through a process of co-regulation. Co-regulation happens when a social interaction between two mammals helps regulate their physiology. When a dog feels safe it gives off signals of that safety through it’s eyes, ears, tails and movement and this neuroception of safety helps us to feel safe too.

I don’t think I could explain this any better than this picture shows….

This is me on Christmas Day 2020, getting to spend time with a puppy after Christmas was cancelled and I didn’t know when I’d see my family again. It speaks for itself 🤣

4. Find a texture you love

You might not be able to get your hands on an animal, but holding something soft can have a similar affect on your nervous system.

What textures do you like? It might be fluffy, or squishy, or silky. Kids have cuddly toys and blankets because they provide them with comfort, and as much as we don’t like to admit it - adults really aren’t any different.

So find something that makes you feel all lovely inside when you hold it. I haven’t done this myself yet but I have my eye on a Jellycat Plush Onion Toy because I recently squished one and it filled me with a joyful sense of calm (plus it’s an onion which just amuses me).

Is it weird that I’m a 30 year old woman who needs a toddlers cuddly toy to help me cope with uncertainty? Probably incredibly weird.

But if it’s between being a well adjusted adult who’s resilient in the face of the chaos of life, who happens to have a cuddly toy versus an anxious adult who is struggling to navigate their anxious thoughts by explaining them away like an adult.. I know which one I prefer.

Ya with me?

How can being more child like help YOU manage uncertainty?

Whether it’s job hunting, waiting for news about a loved one’s health, managing the unknowns at work or just existing day-to-day in an uncertain world, it can be difficult to manage the anxiety that this brings.

It may seem like an uncomfortable or weird idea but connecting with your inner child helps you to compassionately give the primal parts of your brain what you need to feel safe, and it’s this feeling of safety that will set you up to be resilient in the face of uncertainty.

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