High versus low self expectations? The definitive answer and how to manage yours!
Google self expectations and you’ll be met with a dizzying array of articles sitting on each side of the debate. Some telling you you’ll be more successful if you set them high, some saying you’ll be happier if you set your expectations of yourself low.
You’ll see titles such as:
“The surprising power of low self expectations”
“The secret to happiness - low expectations”
“Myth - happiness comes from having low expectations”
“High expectations are the secret to success”
For those of us who expect A LOT from ourselves and are often caught up in an internal dialogue of self criticism, this leaves us in a pickle. Is the answer to quieting our inner critic lowering the bar? Or is it just pushing on regardless and continuing this cycle of never feeling quite enough?
In this post I’m going to summarise both sides of the debate and settle on THE BEST WAY to manage your self expectations (with a cheeky little exercise to help you do it!)
In favour of High Self Expectations
Having something ambitious to strive towards can be motivating
Having low self expectations can be limiting if we aren't allowing ourselves to think big and high about what we can achieve
High expectations can cultivate a sense of self belief and positivity
In favour of Low Self Expectations
Having high expectations can impact your self-esteem when you fail to meet them
Having high expectations can contribute to feelings of anxiety and depression when we meet them but still don't feel 'good enough'
Having high expectations can limit you if you're so narrowly focused on aiming high, you don't consider other possibilities for yourself.
I have the answer (and the solution!) Hear me out...
Having a high or low expectation of yourself, in itself, is not the problem. And if you are setting low expectations to avoid feeling a failure then that's not going to get you where you want to go (check out my post here if you want to know more about how we experience failure). Similarly, if setting high expectations is leading you to constantly berate yourself and burn yourself out as you leap for them, this equally doesn't serve you.
So here's what you need to do...
1) Set expectations of yourself that are embedded in SELF COMPASSION and strive towards them in a state of self-compassion.
2) Make sure you are setting high, realistic and desirable expectations of yourself.
We'll come back to point 2 in next weeks blog post. For today I want to focus on how you can treat yourself with self-compassion as you strive for greatness!
I'm talking about taking yourself from feeling 'I am such a failure. Why do I never get this right?' to 'I didn't do that as well as I wanted. What can I do now to achieve what I know I'm capable of?'
It's separating your sense of achievement from being the entirety of your self-worth, and instead having your achievements as a little bonus on top of your already strong sense of worthiness.
Here's a self-compassion exercise you can try with a current expectation you have...
Find a time and area where you won’t be disturbed. Hide your phone out of sight and give yourself space to really think.
Think about an expectation you have of yourself that you feel like you are failing at. It could be that you feel you’re failing to be the friend you want to be, or failing to be productive at work, or failing to be successful in a hobby you have.
Write down everything you are thinking about yourself re: this expectation.
Now imagine a friend comes to you with this. This is someone you have unconditional love for and who you are compassionate and accepting of.
Write down or say out loud what you would say to this friend.
Think about: How would they help you to see that you are only human and so have weaknesses as well as strengths? How would they help you to diminish your feelings of shame and inadequacy? What advice would they give you about what to do next, coming from a place of compassion? Which of your qualities would they pick out as helpful for you to move forwards?
Observe how you feel now.
Repeat this exercise with another expectation you have of yourself, or when you feel you need to re-frame your self talk to come from a place of kindness and compassion.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this post and your experience of the self-compassion exercise. Drop me a message over on Instagram to share your thoughts.
