“How can I make sure we’re happy forever!?” The illusion of control in relationships.
When we realise how much we’ve got, we realise how much there is to lose.
Let me explain a situation you’ll relate to.
When I was 16 years old, I saw a Gilmore Girls episode (if you don’t know it, bear with me, you can still follow the reference).
Rory and her new boyfriend Dean had spent a wonderful evening together. They were in the early days of romance, when the mere sight of the other person makes the whole world fall away. Plus, he’d built her a car for her birthday, so a pretty impressive evening all round.
As they lay under the stars in total elation, she turns to him and describes the moment as…
‘One of those moment's when everything is so perfect and so wonderful that... you almost feel sad because nothing could ever be this good again.’
Even then, aged 16 and reasonably new to the world of romance, I already related to this message. The sadness in a wonderful moment, in knowing that at some point it would have to come to an end. In knowing that where there is love, there is loss.
The irony of armouring up
Brene Brown, shame and vulnerability researcher, describes this reaction as rehearsing tragedy. When we realise how much we’ve got, we realise how much there is to lose, and so in moments of joy we visualise the worst happening.
This isn’t always conscious to us. As we go through life experiencing the hurt and confusion that relationships have to offer, we armour ourselves up in the avoidance of vulnerability and the service of self protection.
But the strange irony is, the more we seek to ‘protect’ ourselves, the more we lose out on the joy relationships can bring and the more pain we create for ourselves.
Because this self protection is giving us the illusion of control. We expend tremendous amounts of energy trying to control and prevent and protect to stay ‘happy’, when really it’s energy wasted and opportunity for real joy lost.
The illusion of control
Trying to assert control can look like…
Armouring up so hard you avoid meaningful relationships by never letting anyone in.
Removing some of the armour but leaving the breast plates on. You get into a meaningful relationship but control the amount of vulnerability you let out.
Removing your armour and opening yourself up to the vulnerability of a relationship but then constantly worrying about how to stay happy and not fall out of love.
Today, I want to focus on the third.
When I say control, i’m not talking about overt control or manipulation of the other person. I mean the control you want to have over your individual, and joint happiness. The control you want over what the other person thinks about you and how they behave, both now and in the future.
In an attempt to ‘control’ this current and future happiness, you act in certain ways.
You avoid expressing your anger and hurt.
You try to ‘optimise’ your chances of success according to what society says is the recipe for happiness e.g. 1 date night a week, sex 3x a week, not going to sleep with an argument unresolved, getting married before considering kids.
You struggle to enjoy the present moment because you’re worried about what might change in the future.
Let’s get one thing straight… You are not alone
As we navigate through life, experiencing struggles for the first time, it feels new and undiscovered. We feel unique in our distress.
But the truth is, everything we experience is part of our nature as complex human beings. We aren’t individually unique in our reluctance to be vulnerable, in our urge to protect ourselves or in our tendency to worry, fear and try to control. We’ve evolved this way.
This isn’t to diminish your experience, but to see that you are not a single point of ‘failure’ or responsibility for the difficult shit you have to face. And the good news?!
People have trodden this path before you, so you have resources to look to for guidance.
So, what now?
To let go of the illusion of control, you need to accept:
You cannot control how another person will feel, think and behave. By striving to, you disconnect from yourself and still have to confront the pain you’ve been avoiding.
A choice
You either let go of control and stay connected with yourself, creating a relationship and life in line with who you are and what you want. You experience the inevitable pain and struggle of life, but open yourself up to moments of joy, love and connection.
OR you hold on tightly to the perception of control. You become anxious and frustrated in trying to avoid pain and struggle. You experience the inevitable pain and struggle of life anyway but now you’re disconnected from who you are and have less resilience to weather the storm.
It’s not easy. But you can let go of this illusion of control. It takes work. But it’s a choice. Your choice.
What will you choose?
Part 2 of this article talks through HOW. Read it here: How to let go of control in your relationship
If you’ve been wondering how ADHD might affect your professional and personal relationships, you’re not alone. Navigating the intricacies of relationships with ADHD can feel like trying to dance to a beat that’s constantly changing. But, as with any dance, it’s all about learning the steps—and sometimes, inventing a few of your own. 🕺🪩