Don’t use Reddit to make a relationship decision (do this instead)
So you’re having doubts about your relationship.
You’re not sure if the person you’re committed to, is the person you want to commit to forever.
You want to figure out if this is normal or whether it’s a sign it’s over.
You decide to crowd source more information so you can evaluate your situation better.
So you grab your laptop, and head to the Reddit relationship thread (or some other online chat forum) to pour your heart out and get advice on what you should do.
Pause. Stop what you’re doing. Take a moment and read this.
I appreciate there’s a level of comfort in seeking advice from supportive strangers, and there’s nothing wrong with doing so.
But I want you to consider these cautionary points as you enter the world of online advice, and make sure you don’t use it as the only source of guidance when making a decision about your relationship.
In this post I cover the 4 problems with looking to Reddit relationships thread for relationship advice, and what you can do instead to help you find clarity when having doubts in a relationship.
Some people forget that you are a real human person with real human feelings
Some of the larger reddit relationship threads take on a life of their own.
Picture this. You’re in a large empty conference room and you express your relationship worries. You give a backstory and voice how worried and confused you’re feeling.
A couple of people enter the room to offer contradictory advice.
One person tells you to get a grip, relationships are hard and you’re naïve for thinking otherwise. Another person offers compassion. They’ve felt the same before, they left their partner and it all worked out for the better.
Ten more people enter the room and choose which of those former opinions they want to add to.
Before you know it, 50 people are arguing between each other about you IN THIRD PERSON, as if you aren’t even there. Making judgements, sharing opinions and offering advice like you are a puzzle to be solved.
I saw this on some of the comment threads. If this was happening in real life, we’d know for sure that it doesn’t feel good.
It’s the same impact when it happens online, it’s just harder to notice and remove ourselves from it.
Try this instead:
Approach chat forums with caution - if you think feeling judged could be detrimental to your mental health, avoid them altogether.
Talk to someone you know and trust the opinion of, or someone who can provide a judgement free space that helps you really get to the root of what’s on your mind (such as a Therapist or Coach). You might like to also read ‘How to choose a coach for your relationship doubts’
There’s no one right answer
We are all a complex make up of our experiences, environment, genetics etc.
We all have different perspectives to bring to the table - I mean that’s why you went to the thread in the first place right? Maybe you can find someone that understands, so you feel less alone. Maybe you can find someone who’ll give you a stern talking to and knock the doubt right out of you.
“For every person that tells you your relationship is right, there’s someone who’ll tell you it’s wrong.”
For every person that tells you your relationship is right, there’s someone who’ll tell you it is wrong.
For every person that tells you doubt means you should leave, there’s someone who’ll tell you you should stay.
I know you’re looking for answers, but they won’t be found by collecting a bank of opinions and writing a pro-con list. (I’ve been there, and helped a bunch of people who’ve also been there).
The more you search for that one right answer, outside of yourself, the more others will dictate how you think and feel, and the more disconnected you’ll become from what’s actually right for you.
What to do instead:
Learn there may be more than one ‘reason’ for your doubts (here’s a list of 50 possible reasons you might be doubting whether he’s the one) and that is okay!
You do not need to be shamed right now
Having relationship worries is an insecure place to be in.
And expressing that out loud or in written form is courageously opening yourself up to vulnerability.
So you don’t need someone projecting their experience of the world on to you by diminishing what’s going on for you right now, or shaming you for having complex thoughts or feelings.
Shame has absolutely zero benefit. If you tell someone ‘stop being selfish and do what’s right’ that doesn’t motivate them into action.
They are instead more likely to retreat inwards, get lost in spiral of self criticism and shame and bury their worries in a little box deep within. Only for it to come bursting out at some point further down the line.
What to do instead:
Accept that you are feeling doubt. This helps you be more objective and more compassionate towards yourself, and move away from shame.
Here’s a post on how you can accept feeling doubt and become an active decision maker in your life.
And finally (this one’s a biggie!)
People may reinforce your polarity thinking
It’s natural for us to think in polarity. Things are either good or bad, possible or impossible, stay or leave, love or don’t love.
My guess is that this polarity thinking is showing up in your relationship doubts too. It’s either forever, or not at all. I either love him or I don’t. If I can’t be 100% certain, than I am uncertain. If i’m not always happy, am I unhappy?
If you seek advice from other people who aren’t aware of their own biases towards polarity thinking, it may reinforce your existing view point.
You lose the possibility of understanding and appreciating how much more complex and multi-layered your experiences are.
What to do instead:
Don’t get lost in the world of the Reddit or Quora Relationship Advice threads.
Find somebody who’ll push you to question ‘is there another option here?’
Articles mentioned in this post:
Why accepting your relationship doubt is important (and how to do it)
Fifty possible reasons you’re doubting your relationship (yes, 50!)
More for you:
Hi, I’m Rachel
I help people in relationship doubt embrace all of who they are, so they can find the clarity, courage and self-trust to decide ‘what now?’
I work 1:1, with groups and online - find out more about me here.
If you’ve been wondering how ADHD might affect your professional and personal relationships, you’re not alone. Navigating the intricacies of relationships with ADHD can feel like trying to dance to a beat that’s constantly changing. But, as with any dance, it’s all about learning the steps—and sometimes, inventing a few of your own. 🕺🪩