How do I decide what to do about my relationship
Decision making is tough in high stakes matters like your relationship.
The ‘do I want to commit to this person forever?’
The ‘should we move in together?’
The ‘do I leave my relationship?’
The ‘should I tell him I’m not sure this is what I want?’ kind of decisions.
When you’re part of a couple, these are decisions you might ultimately want to make together.
But sometimes you’re not ready to talk about it with your partner yet. You want to get clear on what YOU think, before you try to articulate it to someone else.
But… there’s a problem with how you’ve been taught to ‘think’
You’re used to the idea that your brain is the source of all wisdom. That logic, reason and intellect should inform your decision, and that feelings are irrational and can’t be trusted.
But this is misplaced emphasis.
When making a relationship decision, our tunnel vision on logic and reason can cause us to resist a truth about how we really feel because ‘on paper’ all is fine.
On the flip side, we can get so caught up in our heads with comparison, worry and ‘shoulds’ that we lose sight of how we feel, which turns out - is actually pretty damn good.
Trying to make a relationship decision from a place of purely your head, is limiting you.
And getting advice from other people, who are interpreting the situation from a ‘head’ space is also limiting you.
Expand the ‘knowledge’ you can gather from yourself, expand your ability to trust your decision making.
You have three brains
There’s a growing body of Neuroscience research about how the Head, Gut and Heart each provide valuable insight for our decision making. The gut and heart are like mini-brains in their own right.
If you’ve just narrowed your eyes in suspicion and are thinking ‘What is this hippy hoo har!?"‘ check out this research paper if you wanna see more on the scientific findings.
So what does evidence of a Head, Gut & Heart brain mean in practise?
It means if you can learn to understand what you think in your head, feel in your heart and sense in your gut - and integrate these sources of information together, you are basically a decision making power house!
You can trust yourself more and doubt yourself less.
So strap on your backpack, and put on some comfortable footwear - I’m gonna show you how to be a Whole Self Explorer.
As a Whole Self Explorer, you’ll gather info from your head brain, gut brain and heart brain to use in your decision making.
It can seem daunting at first and you might struggle to access those different brains, but don’t worry - this metaphorical trip is just to give you an idea of how it works.
Your map
First of all you’ll need to know what’s at each location you’ll visit…
Head brain.
This is where you’ll find your intellect. It’s the location of your cognitive perception, thinking, reasoning, analysis, and how you make meaning of your experiences through language, imagery and metaphor.
Heart brain.
Here you’ll find your intuition and sense of connections. It’s also the location of processing your emotions and your values - what’s important to you and your emotional connection with your aspirations, dreams and desires.
Gut brain.
This is your enteric nervous system. It’s where your primal instinct for safety, protection and self preservation resides and your perception of movement and sensations sits.
It’s also the home of a deep visceral sense of your core self - what is you and what isn’t you and a sense of gutsy courage and impulse to act.
Let’s Explore!
Now you know where you’re going, I want you to write down the question you want answered on this trip E.g ‘should I stay in my relationship?’ and put it in your backpack.
You’ll need this with you as we go on your whole self exploration.
First stop, head brain.
This is the place you’ll feel most familiar and comfortable in.
How will you know you’ve reached this location? You’ll see or hear lots of your own thoughts. Your eyes might move around a lot as you search for information in your brain.
Get the paper out of your backpack and remind yourself of the question you want answered.
What does your head brain have to say about the question?
Write it down or say it out loud.
Second stop, heart brain.
Okay, the journey to the heart brain can be a tricky one. You’ll have spent so much time up in your head brain, you’ll need to purposefully shift your attention to move onwards.
Don’t worry if you struggle to do this on your own. It works best listening to a mindfulness exercise, or with a coach to guide you.
The path to the heart brain requires you to find a place of stillness and shift your attention to what you feel in your body.
Focus on your breathing and spend a minute or two here, finding stillness. Then shift your attention to where your heart is.
What do you feel?
Bring your attention to the question you want answered.
What feeling do you get? Where do you feel it? What comes up for you in this moment?
Third stop, gut brain.
Nice job explorer! You’ve moved away from the busy ‘head’ space and into the knowledge in your heart. Keep that information in your backpack ‘cause we’ll come back to it later.
The third stop is the gut brain. To get to the gut brain, you need to find the same stillness and attentiveness that you were in for the heart brain.
Once you’re there, focus your attention in your gut.
What sensations do you feel there?
Bring your attention to the question you want answered. What comes up in your gut? Notice the sensations and any movement in your body.
Final stop, the rock of meaning.
You’ve travelled to explore the head brain, the heart brain and the gut brain.
It’s time to sit and chill for a minute at the rock of meaning.
Sit down, put your feet up and come back to you.
This is where you’ll empty out your backpack and look at what you’ve gathered from your three brain locations.
What are you learning about the answer to your question?
It might look something like this.
Question - ‘Should I stay in my relationship?’
Head brain - ‘I think so. We’ve been together so long and I’m not sure why I’m even doubting things. I have everything I wanted, and our relationship is good so why would I want to leave?’
Heart brain - ‘I feel unsettled, uneasy. I feel sad and confused that I seem to want more than what I already have.’
Gut brain - ‘I get this sensation of tightness. Like my gut is restricted. When I ask the question, should I stay in my relationship? It tightens even more, and I feel my breath start to quicken.’
If you have a guide alongside you right now, they could help you make meaning from your discoveries by asking ‘what are you learning in this moment right now about your decision?’
So what now?
When you feel helpless and confused about a decision, it’s hard to know where to start.
And the first time you connect with your head, heart and gut, won’t lead you to a sudden epiphany about what to do.
But learning to collect information from your inner self will help you get closer and closer to your right decision. One that is truly connected to the core of who you are and what you want.
And eventually it will become second nature to you to operate this way.
A guide for your whole self exploration
As an explorer travelling alone, collecting information in your backpack and putting meaning together, this can be a lot to keep track of.
You’ll have moments where it’s difficult to carry everything by yourself.
Times where you leave something behind.
Moments where you can’t find something you’d put in your backpack.
Explorer, you don’t need to carry the weight of your backpack alone
As a coach using Whole Person Coaching® Methodology, I can act as your guide in your exploration.
I can carry your backpack for you so you can concentrate on collecting, rather than holding.
I can guide you forwards when the path to the heart and gut is a muddy swamp.
I can encourage you to rummage in those hidden pockets of your backpack and pull out all of what’s inside, when you choose you need it.
You have all the inner resources to know who you are and what you want. A coach can help you uncover them, strengthen them and use them to make those difficult relationship and life decisions.
To explore how we can work together so you can make the right decision for you, book in 30 mins with me…
Hi, I’m Rachel
I help people in relationship doubt embrace all of who they are, so they can find the clarity, courage and self-trust to decide ‘what now?’
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