Is it Normal to Obsess Over Thoughts About Your Relationship?

I think everyone has experienced obsessive thoughts at least once in their life. Whether it’s dissecting something your other half said during over dinner, or replaying the argument you had months ago and imagining all of the witty things you should have said to put them in their place. But there is a point when dwelling on one obsessive thought can sort of leak into the rest of our lives, and we find ourselves doing it more and more. That’s the point that we wonder, is this normal? 

In this week’s blog I’m not only talking to an expert, but my oldest and dearest friend! Hayley Davis and I have known each other since we were 13 years old, which means we are the best people to talk about obsessive thoughts in friendships and what that can look like from the outside. So without further ado, let’s find out how normal it is to obsess over thoughts.

What we cover:

1. What is an obsessive thought?

2. When does a though become an obsesssion?

3. Your brain and obsessive thoughts

4. Obsessive thoughts and perfectionism

5. Obsessive thoughts in relationship

6. Trusting your own thoughts

What is An Obsessive Thought?

If we’re going by definition, then an obsessive thought is ‘A series of thoughts that typically recur, often paired with negative judgements’. And I think we can all relate to that in one way or another. And it triggers the worry of ‘should I be feeling this way? Is everyone else feeling like this? Which can almost become its own obsessive thought! And these thoughts always tend to hit when we can’t do anything but think. When we’re in the shower, on the toilet, or doing the washing up. When we can’t pick up a device to distract us, our brains can do into hyperdrive. Has that happened to you? Because I know it happens to me all the time! My main time for obsessive thoughts is actually o the toilet, where I talk to myself wayyy too much.

When Does A Thought Become an Obsession?

Hayley had a great example of how a thought can cross that line and become an obsessive thought:

‘I love True Crime, and during all of this Furlough time I’ve watched a lot of true crime, because it’s kind of a mystery and it keeps your brain going. But also, it’s these people doing things that are so different to what I can imagine myself doing. But then a thought will pop into my head like ‘You must be a serial killer if you like all this stuff so much’. But that’s just not true at all, and I’ve never actually wanted to kill someone, even if I hate them. But it’s still something that feeds into my brain, and you can sometimes feel that feeling of shame, as if you’re trapped in a bad person’s body. And I’ve heard others who are into true crime who are convinced that they’re paedophiles, even though they’ve never had s single thought in that direction and don’t have that compulsion. And I think that’s when a thought becomes an obsession. It’s not actually related in any way to evidence – it’s not a logical thing.’

This kind of thinking can seep into almost every element of your life, not just your choice in evening entertainment. For example, I know a lot of new mums who have struggled with obsessive thoughts about their own happiness. If they are happily married and have a gorgeous new baby, they should be in a constant state of euphoria, right? But they aren’t (which is absolutely normal), so when they do feel sad, they also feel guilty about that sadness, and end up obsessing over the fact that they ‘should’ be happy all the time, as if it’s all black and white, rather than shades of grey.

Your Brain and Obsessive Thoughts

One of the things Hayley and I discussed during the podcast was the fact that these obsessive thoughts seem to happen more as we get older (at least for us), and that there is actually some science behind this.  Two sets of science actually. The first is that as we get older and experience more things, our brains create more neural connections, and it becomes easier to repeat patterns of behaviour or thought from the past. Which explains why you’re likely to think of that embarrassing thing you did in year 7 if you’ve experienced embarrassment that day! 

The other thing I discovered is that the brain can actually get stuck in something called ‘rumination’ mode. This happens when there is increased blood flow to a specific region of the brain called the Subgenual Prefrontal Cortex, which then synchronises with the Default Mode Network. This is the bit of your brain that’s active when your mind wonders and you end up daydreaming or reminiscing. This connectivity is a good thing for many reasons, but it kind of backfires when it comes to repetitive thoughts. It’s one of the big factors in obsessive cycles of negative thoughts in people with depression – but it can (and does) trigger in anyone and everyone. Sound familiar?

For me, it only really started happening recently, after a particularly stressful period in my life, and a bad breakup. At night I would get this sudden memory of something me and my ex boyfriend would do – anything from a tense moment mid-breakup to cooking dinner or watching TV. It would come on very suddenly, with an emotion attached, and I would have absolutely no control over it. It almost felt like I was trying to torture myself with it. And now, it happens more when I’m stressed or under pressure. It’s like my brain goes into hyperdrive and starts misfiring, which if you look at that research above, it absolutely is.

Obsessive Thoughts and Perfectionism

One big element we touched on in our conversation was perfectionism. Hayley pointed out that she is an absolute perfectionist, and she wants to be that model citizen, always happy and thinking pure, positive thoughts. And part of that was being in control of things. But the one thing you can’t control if your own mind and your own thoughts, and the worst thing you could do is try. Battling against the flow of your own thoughts can actually make things worse, and you end up fighting with yourself constantly. So thinking ‘I shouldn’t obsess over thoughts and feelings, I shouldn’t be thinking this way’ doesn’t actually help anyone. Some people are better at brushing off that kind of thought, but if you struggle with it, then it can start to cause problems.

I think a big key to overcoming this is to avoid giving the thoughts too much airtime. I know, that’s much harder than it sounds, but sometimes you’ve got to say to your brain ‘give me a fucking break. Just let me exist for a bit.’. And you can achieve that in a lot of different ways – distraction is a really popular option, or therapy if the thoughts are becoming more intrusive and starting to really impact your daily life.

Obsessive Thoughts in Relationships 

This is where the discussion got fun for me, because while I’ve known Hayley for most of my life, we’ve never really talked about how we viewed each other as teenagers, now that we’re adults. And Hayley took me by surprise a bit when she said:

 ‘You were always the serial monogamist, which is funny because you say a lot of what you do now came out of your insecurities and indecisiveness right? But I don’t think you’re indecisive. I always saw you as the kind of person who could make good decisions and actually roll with it, because you were so sure of stuff. And I felt like the one who was really indecisive and like, not sure how I felt. And now I don’t really think I’m indecisive either. But when I look back on things that happened when we were younger, you realise how differently you viewed things, and how little they were actually like what you remember.’

Which is very different from how I remember myself and her! But even my mum when I sat down and talked to her said ‘I didn’t really think you were like this’ when I started talking about overthinking. But even looking back at my first boyfriend, I broke up with him for a reason – and that was because I was working in a little hotel and spent a lot of time washing pots and hoovering. So I would end up thinking myself into this weird hole of insecurity about whether we should be together or not. So even though I thought I was pretty chill as a teen – it turns out I really wasn’t!

Trust Your Own Thoughts 

I don’t know about you, but I tend to find that trusting in your own thoughts is a really hard thing to do. But in talking to Hayley, I realised that it seems to be one of the biggest things that feeds the obsessive thought fire. Both of us are quite flexible people, and that can lead to a sense of ‘who am I?’ as we grew and changed - and for me that only got worse when I was in a relationship. And I know it was easier to obsess and obsess over thoughts when I didn’t trust them in the first place. So I ended up thinking ‘what’s wrong with me? Is this normal?’. It’s part of what inspired this whole series! As a teen it was always about relationships – I would meet someone else and my brain would make me think about them, and then I would be unsure of myself and feel guilty for those thoughts. OR, in the height of my last break up, I would end up inventing thoughts to obsess over as the relationship deteriorated, and that would only speed up the process of breaking up. Which made me think ‘am I a bad person?’ and triggered the whole cycle again.

But Hayley and I did have some tips to exchange that could help! The main things is that obsessive thoughts often seem to come from us looking for some kind of acceptance. Whether that’s from ourselves or from others in our life. In a relationship, you can get that acceptance by being open and communicating about your thoughts. This is one of the things I think is key to a relationship being strong – understanding that just because someone is different to you doesn’t mean they’re not compatible. For us as women that can be really empowering – being able to express our emotions with a partner, share how we feel and how we think. And I’m totally behind that! 

But other important thing to do is accept yourself. Acknowledge, either to yourself or out loud, that the world isn’t black and white, things are going to go wrong, and that doesn’t make you a bad person. It just makes you a person! So, the key to conquering obsessive thoughts? Acceptance, and self acceptance. And I know I say that like it should be a simple thing, but it’s not. Self-acceptance can take a lot of work, and it can be hard, but by working at it you can quiet a lot of those obsessive, intrusive thoughts. A big part of that is also accepting that not everything’s perfect, in life and in relationships, and that’s OK too. There are positive and negatives to everything, and when we stop romanticising every aspect of our life as though it’s a Disney film, we can find a bit more peace in our own heads.

You can listen to the entire podcast (though I warn you, it’s a long one!) here, and you can find the transcript in the show notes. And if you want to chat about obsessive thoughts in your relationship, and some strategies you could use to be more , please do get in touch. And if you’re struggling with your mental health when it comes to obsessive thoughts, or they are intruding on your daily life,  please check out the show notes of the podcast for some information, resources and places you can seek help.