Is it Normal to Follow Your Heart?
Today on the blog, I’m going to get a bit philosophical. How many of you have heard the phrase ‘follow your heart’? I’d be surprised if you hadn’t.
Whether it’s about a breakup, your career or even which house to buy, ‘follow your heart’ is a common phrase that’s thrown around a lot.
But have you ever stopped to think about what it really means? Because while it might sound like you’re being encouraged to just abandon your life and run off into the wilderness, in reality listening to your heart is a much less dramatic – and much more difficult thing to do.
To help us understand what this advice is really about, and the best ways to use it, I’ve sat down with Sheila Anne Murray, a coach who works with high achieving women, helping them take the next step in their lives through deep self-discovery, behaviour change and courageous action. Which all sounds great to me!
What we cover:
Head vs Heart
The romantic ideal
What does following your heart really mean?
The uncertainty of heart following
Naming your feelings
Following your heart in relationships
Top tips
More from today’s guest Sheila
Instagram: @sheflowsandgrows
Facebook: @sheilaannecoaching
Linkedin: Sheila Murray
Head vs Heart
During our chat, Sheila and I talked about the difficulty many people face when trying to follow their heart, and how it can leave you feeling sort of ‘stuck’ in life. And one of the things Sheila said that really resonated with me is that we have 3 different things that govern our thoughts and decisions, and they all tend to have very different opinions! In fact, they are usually in conflict, which is why we can feel so uncertain of ourselves sometimes.
The head: The logical bit. The ‘what else needs to be ticked off?’ bit. The one who questions everything, who brings fear and logic, and draws boundaries to keep you safe.
The heart: The passionate one. The one that drives you towards the things you want and make you happy, sometimes regardless of any risks involved. It’s your emotional brain.
The gut: The intuitive brain. The part of you that just knows things, without you really knowing why.
So the trick really isn’t always to just follow what the heart says blindly, but instead to try and pull all of those 3 things into alignment, so you can see what you really, truly want. I know that sounds tricky – but I promise it’s very achievable!
The Romantic Ideal
The big problem I have with the phrase ‘follow your heart’ is that there’s such a narrative around it. You grow up watching things on TV, seeing lovely romantic scenes and thinking that’s so wonderful. These things all tell you to follow your heart, lean into what you’re feeling and everything will be alright – you’ll have that romantic ideal. But on the other hand, you have society telling you the exact opposite. Don’t follow your heart. Don’t be so reckless. Don’t lean into the emotion of it, there’s only heartbreak waiting for you. And so you end up feeling conflicted, and taking the ‘safe’ option of following the head, not the heart.
But I think a lot of times the negativity around following your heart comes from fear. Mainly, people projecting their own lived experiences of hurt and fear, to try and discourage you from experiencing the same. After all, if you’ve been hurt, you’re less likely to follow your heart and go with your feelings.
The good news? There is a middle ground!
What Does Following Your Heart Really Mean?
‘I think if we’re talking about following your heart in a very reckless way, then that might not even be following your heart – that’s more like throwing caution to the wind, and imagining you’re following your heart. But really, you’re just following your desires. There is a difference between following the things you’re craving or lusting after, leaving no prisoners, giving up everything and hurting people along the way because you believe you’re following your heart, and actually following your heart in a constructive way. You also have the opposite, where you are so disconnected from your body that you haven’t even tapped into what you really feel.
I will say that at a young age, when I heart ‘follow your heart’, I didn’t. Because I didn’t even know what that meant. And I do believe that there is a need for awareness of your body before you can follow your heart. How else are you supposed to get in touch with it! If your head is constantly spinning and we don’t have a moment to pause, we can’t find the silence to listen to the information that’s scientifically coming up from our gut and our heart (our emotional and intuitive brains). There’s no room for that information to get through if your thoughts are always spinning. So while yes, I think following your heart means being yourself and not caring what other people think, it’s also so much more than that. It’s a constant learning process and constantly checking in. You have to build the capacity to learn and t receive the information from your heart, and then decide what to do with it. If you can do that, then you can follow your heart, but be strategic with it and really be in the driver’s seat.’
I absolutely love this way of looking at things. Instead of just throwing caution to the wind, the idea of following your heart is more about being in tune with your body and mind, understanding all of the information it’s giving you, and then making a decision using that information. Asking yourself, what does following my heart actually look like? What does it feel like? And what do I do with this information now? And a big part of following your heart is knowing how to connect everything. I remember in one of my therapy appointments, my therapist mentioned that a lot of times people who are struggling with their identity have a disconnect between heart and head, and have lost the ability to follow their feelings, or even understand what those feelings might be and why they should be trusted. And that’s just so on the money here. Understanding and communicating all of these things brings you more in line with your own desires, which makes them much simpler to follow.
The Uncertainty Of Heart Following
I don’t know about you, but I used to find the concept of following my heart a bit scary. Not because I wasn’t sure about what my heart wanted, but because it’s such a difficult thing to do. You’re taught from really early in life that there are rules for us, how we should behave, how we should be in our careers and relationships. But following your heart is all about leaning into how you feel about something, letting go of the rules and doing what will make you happy – which often means surrendering to the uncertainty of those things. And that can be a very uncomfortable place to be.
During our talk, Sheila pointed out that the word ‘surrender’ can actually be very uncomfortable for us. She said:
‘I was coaching one of my clients, and she’s a very ambitious woman. We did some meditation, and she really sensed this relaxation into freedom. When I brought up the word ‘surrender’, I saw a physical reaction in her body. I asked her what happened, and she said that the word felt uncomfortable. We can choose different words when we’re making our way to surrender (like ease or letting go), but the word surrender is important. But it can cause you to have this physical reaction, particularly because as women who are going after what they want, surrendering feels like giving up.’
I couldn’t agree more. Surrender, to me, feels like letting go of control, and that’s a really scary thing. But it doesn’t have to be that way at all. In fact, if you’re able to understand and express all of these feelings, then letting go and taking action can be incredibly empowering. By following your heart constructively, you can do things like ask that cute guy for his number, tell your partner you love them, or move in after a few months. You get to put yourself in the driver’s seat, by surrendering to the feelings in your own body. If you learn to listen to your heart, and to interpret what that means, then you can make the right decisions to empower you.
Name Your Feelings
As Sheila mentioned in our chat, at the end of the day feelings are just information. And when you name those feelings, you put a label on them, and that helps you move through them in a faster and healthier way. Labelling the emotion means we don’t get stuck in the acknowledgement part, and gives us the language we need to move through. A lot of children’s tantrums are actually rooted in them not having the language to understand and express the emotion they’re feeling – and that’s one of the reasons it’s easier for us as adults to understand and move through our emotions. We have the language skills to do that, if we engage in it. Being able to articulate your feelings (whether from your heart or your gut) can be a really powerful thing, and it’s what helps you understand that data point in your head. With good emotional literacy, you can understand what’s going on in your heart, and then use the logical brain to make a decision based on the information.
If you’re just starting out on this journey, then this exercise is a really good option for you, because it uses your head to tap into your heart. This helps you tie all of the information sources together, listening to yourself, and then using your head to make decisions and stay in control.
Following Your Heart In Relationships
Relationships are where following your heart gets tricky, because there’s suddenly another person involved in the dynamic. There’s another person to consider, and many people start to get a bit confused. And when you’re confused, you talk to the people closest to you for advice, right? The problem with this is, while people are well intentioned, they tend to project their own experiences, fears and protections onto you. And this all adds up to so much information that you end up in that conflict, where your heart, head and gut are all saying different things, all informed by other people. So what do you do if your heart is saying one thing, but your head (and everyone else’s) is saying another?
This is particularly true when it comes to relationship timelines. Because the reality is everyone’s relationship is different, and there is no ‘standard’ timeline for things to happen. So while some people might express doubts about your relationship timeline (moving in, engagement, kids etc), it’s all down to what your heart says, and what your individual relationship is. Your gut will be telling you one thing, and often your heart might agree, but everyone around you is giving you conflicting information. And then you don’t know what to do with it all. You end up justifying everything, instead of just trusting your feelings. That’s what we want to help you overcome.
Top Tips
Notice:
Take notice of what your heart feels like. Notice when your heart is feeling full or warm, and what caused that. You know the feeling you get when you hug a friend you haven’t seen for a long time? Pay attention to those feelings. Closing your eyes and taking some deep breathes can help with this a lot. And when you’re talking with your partner, try to notice what you’re feeling, and how it connects to what you’re talking about.
Take Time:
Take the time to breathe and bring awareness to your heart space. A lot of breathing exercises are actually basic body scans, encouraging you to scan down from head to foot and get in touch with what’s going on. Pay special attention to the heart and the gut when you do this, and the things that come up might surprise you.
Give Your Gut a Voice:
Think of this like your brain interviewing your heart and your gut on a panel. Give your gut a microphone and let it speak! Vocalising your gut feelings, and your heart feelings (which are related) helps you understand what’s going on, and completes the circuit of head-heart-gut that’s needed for emotional intelligence.
Turn The Volume Down:
You know that little inner voice that niggles away at you, causing all sorts of doubts and generally not being very nice? That’s your inner critic, and when you can you need to turn the volume on that voice down. Instead, amplify those thoughts that are nourishing and helpful for you to move on.
I hope you found that as insightful as I did? I absolutely loved chatting with Sheila and discovering all these new things about following your heart (and head and gut). If you want to listen to the full conversation, you can find the podcast here, complete with show notes. And if you want to chat about your own relationships and how you could follow your own heart, please do get in touch.
I help late diagnosed ADHD folk make career and life decisions they trust. ICF Certified Coach, Youtuber & Writer.